


I'm Not Okay But I Will Be

by Bellarke_Stories



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fourth of July, Post Traumatic Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-05
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-21 17:16:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7396420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellarke_Stories/pseuds/Bellarke_Stories
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a long pause and silence and they both know what's left is to get ready for the  next wave of fireworks. Bellamy opens his eyes which makes Clarke sense it and open hers too. They are just like that, always aware of what the other one is doing. She searches for his eyes and takes his hand in hers. </p>
<p>“Clarke?” he asks softly and Clarke smiles. </p>
<p>“I’m here. It’s okay, you’re okay.” she comforts him and leans back. </p>
<p>“Can we go to bed? Before…” there is a pause and Bellamy takes a deep breath, “Before they start again?” </p>
<p>or </p>
<p>prompt: Bellamy has PTAs from the war and Clarke comforts him during the fireworks in the fourth of july</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not Okay But I Will Be

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, thank for giving a chance to my story but I have to confess, I know nothing about PTA so, I'm really sorry if this is too far away from reality. Anyway, thanks anyway!

Honestly, Clarke is very worried for today. As much as she loves celebrating the 4th of July. But since Bellamy is back, _her Bellamy_ , she knows things will change. It’s not a secret that many people that came back from the war, have some problems when the fireworks start on celebrations and Bellamy wouldn't be an exception. At least they live in the small city of Arkadia and things shouldn’t be that bad.

He even told her himself, that he was kinda worried of what would happen, what he would _do_ when the fireworks start _._ She offered to take some days off the gallery she works at and fly to Europe where they don’t have to celebrate anything. A small trip to avoid his attacks. Of course Cage, the gallery owner didn’t let her go and they couldn't do anything else but stay.

At least Cage let her have the day off. After begging and explaining why she _needed_ to be home he finally agreed to let her leave. Why did he make her work on these days anyways? It's the 4th of July, people want to spend time with their families and friends so why was she supposed to be the only one working? 

All day Clarke could see that Bellamy was on edge, waiting for something to trigger him. She had never seen him that scared before. It scared _her_ too. Seeing him so vulnerable. She actually believed that the fact he knew something would trigger him, only the _thought_ of it, was triggering him too.

He knew he couldn’t sleep last night either. She could hear his heart beat speed up and slow down against her back while he had his hands wrapped around her and held her close to him. One hour after getting to bed, she turned to face him, and wrapped her own arms around him, bringing his head to rest between her neck and shoulder. It took him half an hour to steady his breath and even more for her to tell that he finally fell asleep.

They couldn’t do anything but wait. Bellamy told her that he didn’t want anyone else ' _To see me like this'_ , and he knew that he didn't have to voice the isue for her to understand what was wrong. He wasn't that straightforwad with his feelings but after he told her how afraid he was, she just gave him a kiss and went to call Octavia and the others to not come by.

Finally they had a whole day to themselves. It didn't happen that often but even though it was going to be very stressful, at least they were together, only the two of them. Together they were always stronger. They decided to have a F.R.I.E.N.D.S marathon, mostly to keep Bellamy’s mind as busy as possible.

She could tell that her plan was failing because for the first four episodes, he barely laughed at any of Chandler’s jokes. He was watching but he _wasn’t._ Then she decided that maybe they should put on his favorite documentary about Greek History. Knowing him like the back of her hand, Clarke has seen his _nerd_ side. But Bellamy gave her a sad smile and said “Maybe we should keep that for the... tough times.”

Clarke gave him a kiss and pressed play to start the next episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S

She had her own fears too. That she wouldn’t be there when the they hear the first firework, or that she wouldn’t be _enough_ to calm him down. Luckily none of her fears came true.

They heard the first fire work while laying on the couch. Actually, Clarke was sitting, with her heels resting on the coffee table in front of the couch and Bellamy was laying, his head on her lap with her fingers playing in his hair, soothing him. As soon as the first firework is fired, Bellamy sits up and his head snaps towards the door which makes Clarke jump to immediate action. She stands up and jumps over Bellamy’s legs that are hanging off the couch, now sitting in front of him. Her hands come up and cup his face, making him look at her.

“Bellamy? Bellamy. Look at me.” she says calmly, her thumbs stroking his cheeks. Bellamy has his eyes locked on the door, barely giving _Clarke_ any of his attention. “Bellamy. You’re home. With me. Bellamy, please, look at me.” she says again and pushes herself further into the couch to be between him and his view of the door so that he _has_ to look at her instead.

Bellamy’s eyes snap to her and the only emotion she can see in them is _pure fear_. “That’s it, baby. Focus on me, okay, Bell? Can you do that for me?” she asks next but Bellamy just stares at her. “Bell? Can you do that for me?” she asks again, her voice always calming and low.

It takes a moment for Bellamy to nod and Clarke is ready to give him a smile and talk to him when another firework is fired very close to their house and sets Bellamy off again. He snaps his head to the side, where the sound most possibly came from. Clarke tries to turn his head to face her, calling his name and nickname, but _nothing_ is working at the moment. She sees his shoulders rise and fall, as a result of his heavy breathing,  and that makes her so painfully aware of the fact that what she is doing just _isn't enough._

Clarke then, lets go of his face with one hand, to take his wrist, but it's the first time ever that Bellamy pulls away, not even realizing that it's _Clarke_. She ensures him that he is safe and that it’s her, _his_ Clarke, and that gets to him because the second time she tries, Bellamy lets her take his wrist and places his open palm above her heart.

“Bell, can you feel my heart?” she asks, the other hand still on his cheek, stroking his marked skin. Bellamy gives her another nod, “Okay, can you please follow my heartbeat. Calm down and copy my heartbeat. Okay?” she says, calming herself at the same time, “Repeat after me. I’m safe. I’m home with Clarke and I’m safe.” Clarke continues and wait for Bellamy to repeat.

Bellamy closes his eyes and repeats, “I’m safe. I’m home with Clarke and-” other firework is fired but this time he shuts his eyes more, while he grabs Clarke’s wrist with the other. The wrist of the hand on his cheek. For a moment Clarke thinks that he is going to twist her hand of something, she is _not_ scared but worried for Bellamy. She holds her breath for a moment there but then Bellamy continues, “and I’m safe.” he finishes.

His hold is too tight, to the point it hurts, but she doesn’t care. As long as it comforts Bellamy, she would take anything from and _for_ him. She knows it will leave a bruise and she makes a mental note the hide it from Bellamy, knowing that the guilt will swallow him tomorrow if he finds out.

Then they continue together, “I’m safe. I’m home with Clarke and safe. I’m home with Clarke and safe.”

Clarke doesn’t know for how long they stayed like that, but suddenly, his grip on her wrist starts to loosen and now her forehead in against his and she has her eyes closed too, breathing slowly for both of them. Two more fireworks are fired but they almost don’t trigger Bellamy at all. Only his hold on her wrist tightens for a moment but he doesn’t pull back or anything. Actually, he barely moves.

Clarke considers it a victory.

After that she lost the count of the fireworks they heard. Bellamy was repeating with her, at some point he even added his own thoughts like “My team is safe. Clarke is safe. Octavia and Lincoln are safe.” and “I came back. I’m home. We are okay.”

Also, at some point, Clarke stopped and let him repeat these comforting words alone, thinking that it was the best for him. Thankfully, he didn’t notice and he kept talking alone. _That’s a very good sign,_ she thinks.

There is a long pause and silence and they both know what's left is to get ready for the  next wave of fireworks. Bellamy opens his eyes which makes Clarke sense it and open hers too. They are just like that, always aware of what the other one is doing. She searches for his eyes and takes his hand in hers.

“Clarke?” he asks softly and Clarke smiles.                                                                     

“I’m here. It’s okay, you’re okay.” she comforts him and leans back.

“Can we go to bed? Before…” there is a pause and Bellamy takes a deep breath, “Before they start again?”

“Of course, Bell. Whatever you think will make it better.” she whispers and they stand up together, Clarke still holding his hand and together they walk towards their bedroom.

They quickly get to bed, laying there and facing each other. “You okay?” she asks, taking some hair from in front of his eyes to the side, giving him a small smile.

Bellamy doesn’t say anything. Instead he takes her hand from between them, turns his back on her and pulls her hand around his torso, resting it on his chest, with their fingers tangled together. Clarke follows him, pushing herself towards his back, till there is no space between them and kisses the back of his neck.

“I’m not okay.” he whispers, “But I will be.”

Clarke smiles even though she knows he can’t see her. She gives his hand a small squeeze and whispers, “I’ll make sure of that.”

The next wave of fireworks doesn't get any reactions out of him. She can’t tell if he fell asleep or if he just doesn’t get triggered by them. Whatever the reason, his breaths are even and his heartbeat is steady. _Thank_ God for that. Clarke doesn’t get any sleep that night because she has to make sure he is okay, but she doesn't mind. She loves him and keeping him safe and making sure he is comfortable are only a few of the many things she would do for him.

As she said to Octavia one time, she would do _anything_ for him.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what do you think? I would love a comment or/and a kudo. Also let me know if I had the right image of PTA. Was I close, or this story is for the trash? Anywya, you can find me on [tumblr](http://bellarkestories.tumblr.com/) too. Come and say hi!


End file.
